I have been having a hard time in Mali as of late. I haven’t been the best version of myself. I’ve been tired, cranky and down right angry a lot of the time. It’s like I am on a roller coaster of emotions that mimic the tumultuous junior high years and the hormones of a 13 year old girl who’s caught in social drama while on her period. I know these moments in life will pass – but somehow living abroad makes the emotions seem a bit more raw as I am far away from my normal sources of comfort (primarily my mom, my cat, my flannel PJ’s and bedding, and the ocean… yes I am Canadian).
It’s not the security situation that’s causing my disgruntlement – the situation has been relatively stable as of late. And it’s not because of the heat – which is intense and draining but relatively not as bad as last year. The bottom line is I haven’t been treating myself very well.
My internal dialogue has been letting the voices of insecurity and self degradation take the helm – reeking havoc. I haven’t been eating well with excuses of it’s hot and I don’t want to cook. I haven’t been taking time to find creative outlets or time for general self-care. I haven’t been kind to myself or created space to actually decompress and process – instead I’ve been avoiding and surpressing.
The result has been a terrible version of who I want to be in the world. I’ve been acting as someone who has been quick tempered, dripping with frustration, and looking for external outlets to fix a long list of internal problems.
So I am taking the weekend back and trying to claim who I want to be again. I am trying to press the reset button. It’s harder than I want it to be. I know its the right thing but it’s not the easy thing – to choose self reflection and betterment. It’s so easy in a world of frustrations to take those frustrations out on other people. But that’s not going to create the world I want to live in, it excludes people from my community, and it strengthens the voices of self degradation. I’m tired of carrying the negativity around with me – like strapping on 50 kilo bags of sand and trying to run a marathon.
So here’s to a new day, a new week, and a new start. Here’s to pressing the reset button. May we all find the best versions of ourselves this week, and may we all be a little kinder to ourselves and the people around us.